How do I get past the emotional devastation my mother has imposed on me with her betrayal?
Question by Toni D: How do I get past the emotional devastation my mother has imposed on me with her betrayal?
I am 37 years old with two children and one on the way. Let me give you a bit of background…From the age of 12 – 16 my step father sexually abused me…my mother says after ten years of counselling she was the victim and I am to blame ( she says I ought to not have worn bikinis to turn him on!!) It took years to get more than but I did…with the aid of drugs.( A couple of years ago I fell into a drug addiction (stupid…not proud) with Ecstasy.) I used it as a psychotherapy tool to release the hurt from my past but when it became a difficulty speedily got off!!! I told my mother at the time about my difficulty with Ecstasy hoping for support but instead was told I was the worst mother in the globe. I never utilized around my youngsters…only when they had been at Dads (joint custody). Oh yeah she told me I was a failure too when I left the Dad even although that had been the program for 5 years. (He slept on the couch for 5 years straight!!!) I got married 2 years ago and just finished a 2 year Architectural Interior Style plan.My husband and I had gotten clean, he got a wonderful job, I got an education and we have a gorgeous house. My ex had been demanding for 6 months I give him joint custody and each second weekend off in the very same breath or he would go to kid services about my past drug use. I told him to go ahead. He had his girlfriend call me with the very same threat. I told her to fuck off. In june I had a friend tell me my mother and my ex had been going to try to take my children away and put me in rehab. (My mother assumed I was still on drugs because I told her I had taken Jesus into my heart.) The day I finished school they called kid services saying I was a drug addict, abused alcohol in front of the youngsters, emotionally abused my daughter and had mental well being concerns. None of these had been accurate!!!! Child services bamboozled me into signing a “safety plan” while they “investigated” and then helped the ex get an ex parte granting him temporary sole custody. Kid services had proof of 4 clean drug tests, 2 psychiatric evals saying Post traumatic tension disorder due to the sexual abuse and lots of letters validating my character (even one from my daughter’s teacher). The kid protection worker lied to me repeatedly and lied to the judge on stand about many troubles. I lost custody. The children are now pretty significantly house but I still don’t have custody returned. I discover it appalling that child services, my ex and my mother would put my youngsters and myself by means of such hell!!! I am now 25 weeks pregnant and have no intention of speaking to my mother ever again or letting her meet her third grandchild. I am left reeling that they would do this to our lives when we had made such wonderful strides to make it. Any suggestions on how to get over the loss and discomfort and feelings of betrayal and abandonment?
Finest answer:
Answer by Tapestry6
You had a lousy childhood and some bad issues you did to oneself.
As long as you are clean and have proof by means of drug testing and a stable relationship you want to move on with your life. You can also request an additional hearing with another CP worker particularly if you felt that the one particular that was at the hearing was prejudicial to your case.
Possibly the next hearing will go into your favor and you can close that door, but to deny your young children a grandmother is not the greatest idea in the planet. She could go to the court and want visitation right since that is her rights too.
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I am so sorry for everything you have been through. Yes you had a crappy child hood and made some poor judgments along the way but what a great turn around story. Look at it this way, you just went through emotional hell and came out on top! The kids are already with you and soon (I pray) you will have custody back. The thing to do now is let all those bad moments go. Not that its easy but at this point its only hurting you, not them. I’m not saying forgive and forget but to just let it go. Maybe keep a journal to vent in and then close the book and never go back and read what you have written. That works great for me but I know that doesn’t work for everybody. Maybe you can give it a try.. I wish a lot of luck.
all i can say is wow!
but i would surround yourself with friends, and na friends if you still go to meetings. keep yourself busy and take one day at a time. if you believe in God then go to church and church activities. you could all ways make an appeal to the court that you think you treated unfairly or try to sue the child services. i would call the child services on them or counter sue them for pain and suffering and possible slander. hope this helps.
none of what your mother says is true by the way, she is obviously bi polar or has some form of depression herself.
It is very sad when a parent can not own up to the responsibilities of her child being abused under her nose, instead she blames the child. Had she objected to your bikinis, she should have spoken up and done something about it at that time, you were a minor and hardly the best judge of your step father’s character. I don’t know why a woman is accused of inviting rape, if she wears cloths that she likes. Why do men then rape nuns. That is just a poor excuse for men to cry “temptation”, what good is their mental Straight if they can’t exercise restraint. Anyways, your mother is to be blamed for you taking drugs to get over the emotional as well and physical abuse, not you. You did the right thing by getting off the bad train, don’t ever think of going back for your kids sake. And honey saying that you only took it when kids were not around, is not really a good excuse, you should have been (I know it must have been hard for you) taken childhood lessons and put them to good use.
Now you say you have a good man, can he verify that you are no longer the same drug abused person, that you are good to kids? If he can. You can come clean and go to court and sue your mother and ex. You have done the responsible thing to clean up yourself and to have these people harass without knowledge and the fact that it was due to their very harassment in the past that put you in such a frame of mind that you took to drugs, they should be the ones to kept away from the kids! So do a reverse and sue them!! But honey make sure that you never touch the stuff, not even alchole and get a clean chit from all those who know you, plus all those who knew you step dad, as to what a nasty person he was, so that you have support. You can tell you mom, as she is so fond of pointing out the blame. “Mom, I forgive you for not caring enough to protect me from your husband, when I was too young to know any better or to help myself. YOU are to be blamed cause I was raped under your nose. But I forgive you, but if you come between me and my children, I will not forgive that, and a lot of things you may want hidden from public, will come out. I will accuse you of not helping me from being raped, you are the cause of all that I have suffered so far and I will suffer no More. So either leave this well alone, and go in peace, or else I will fight you as dirty as you fight me, and then the whole world will know, who exactly is the bad mother. A mother who let her husband rape a minor under her protection and in turn put that minor toward the road to self distruction and offereing no help when asked, or a abused child who grew up to be self abusive, and who had the guts to turn herself around with the help of a good man, to take care of her kids. Tell her she will never she her grandshildren again, and they will knew exactly what kind of a mother she was! I know it is harsh but that is the only way you can stand up to a monster like that. Do not show fright, instead prepare to fight. THese are YOUR KIDS! SHE WAS THE BAD MOM> YOU TOOK TROUBLE AND CLEANED UP YOUR ACT. MAKE SURE YOU STAY THAT WAY. GET A GOOD ATTORNEY. DON’T LET THE EX AND MOM PUSH YOU AROUND ANY MORE.
Write her and your x off and get on with your life
The biggest reason people have trouble getting over bad experiences is because they keep going over the past and looking to accept blame weather they are at fault or not.
As for you drug abuse congratulations on getting clean but remember that you are susceptible to re-offending so be very careful.
First of all let me say what a brave and courageous woman you are. You have been to hell and back and still have your sanity, thank God. It is quite normal to feel as you do. For your mother to blame you for being sexually abused by your stepfather is her way of blocking out what she knows was unacceptable and you can be sure she knew what was going on. Her saying she was the victim is so not true, do not believe a word of it. If you notice she does not blame this pedophile, her husband, for the wrong he has done to you. Instead, she has lashed out at you. I don’t care if you walked around in a see-through blouse HE was the adult and you were the child and as such this pervert should not have had such immoral thoughts but since he is a pedophile he did and probably still does. Pedophiles never, ever change which is why they should all be registered in every neighborhood where there are children.
You do not ever have to speak to your mother again and that’s fine. You and your husband have turned your lives around and I think you both deserve to be congratulated because I know it could not have been easy. It’s hard to get over what your mother has done to you but you can, in time, push it back further and further in your mind until there will be days when you don’t think about it at all. You have done something good with yourself in spite of the horror you have been through. Your mother sounds like a miserable person but she does not have to be your problem anymore. She was not there for you when you needed her and you do not need her now. Keep her out of your life, period. Say your prayers sweetheart and continue to ask for His Divine Intervention. HE will not let you down as you can see from how far you have come. Neither you nor I know why any of these things happened to you and we may never know but my dear you have overcome all of it. This shows you what a strong person you are so give yourself credit. It shows you that no one, no one, can keep you down it you don’t want to be kept down. You have no idea how much you have done for yourself and I marvel at your perseverance.
Do not let the past with your mother and others keep you from going on with your very constructive, productive life. Let the past my dear stay there and think of the new baby, a new life, on the way. How lucky the new one will be with you as his or her mom. You cannot change what has happened so do not let it change the wonderful, creative person you have become. My best to you and your wonderful, happy family.
Since your question deals with addiction, you should check out this site, it has lots of helpful info that might help with your question:
http://www.recoveryforums.org
This site has a lot of great resources for people dealing with addiction or recovery, and those who know people who are dealing with it. It is worth a look in my opinion.